HINTS ON ‘CARING’ FOR DYING PATIENT

by Anne Ray

Staff Writer, MAUI NEWS

January 20, 1978

Death is an uncomfortable subject for most people and when confronted with a dying person, our first question tends to be "What do I say?"

Answering that question Tuesday night was Dr. Mitsuo Aoki, a professor of religion at the University of Hawaii. Dr. Aoki, who has been counseling dying persons and their families for many years, shared his experiences and techniques at a public meeting at Cameron Center.

His presentation was part of a Tuesday-Thursday workshop on "Coping with Death, Dying and Grief," sponsored by the County Committee on Aging, the Maui Mental health Association in Maui, and Maui Community College.

"What do you say to a dying person?" the former Maui resident asked an audience of about 60 people. "You say nothing really. That’s the wrong question to ask."

By doing so, he said, the person with the question becomes the problem rather than the patient.

Aoki said first ask yourself, "Where do I stand in relation to this person’s death? If you cannot come to terms with yourself first, you’re not going to come to terms with the patient," he explained. "Dying people, they’re not the problem – they’re the experts."

The 62-year-old former minister of Pu’unene Congregational Church (1940-44) had the audience laughing at a subject usually connected to grief and sorrow.

He instructed them to "become a presence," with "caring" a crucial prerequisite, "focusing on the patient."

"You’ve got to listen (to the dying person)," he continued. "Not to the words, but listen to the whole person moving – a smile, a frown, uneasiness of body or peace of body – and pretty soon you can sense what is going on.

"Another index is you – as you work with each other, something is going on inside of you – feeling talk."

Saying that a person who is dying can "allow you to get in touch with yourself" and "become the person you could never have been," Dr. Aoki warned against burdening a patient with lots of questions. "If you ask ‘How are you,’ what do you expect – I’m dying.’"

Say something positive – once they feel the person really cares, then they’ll start talking," he added. "It’s not important what they say – it’s important how you are."

Dr. Aoki, one of several persons from Maui and Oahu who participated in the workshop designed to train volunteers to work in the community with terminally ill patients and their families, stated that 85 percent of all dying persons become comatose (state of unconsciousness).

Although most people feel "helpless" he said, "don’t feel at a loss when people are in a comatose state, just keep talking."

Dr. Aoki explained that "with a dying person, the hearing is the last thing to go."

In dealing with the elderly, the Oahu professor stressed that the one link we always have with the aging people is what we call memories. Our job is to use the amazing techniques called ‘tell stories’ to help people remember how they were.

He went on to tell a fascinated audience some of about 35,000 documented cases of individuals who have been pronounced clinically dead and lived again to tell of their experience.

Two women in Honolulu, an 84-year-old teacher and an 18-year-old student, have told Dr. Aoki of their journeys in and out of death. He noted that there are great similarities in all reports, including an "astral body" which leaves the physical body behind.

"There is always someone there to greet you," he said. "No death is ever private."

The accounts recall the presence of a "being of light" that "creates an amazing peace," he related, adding that most individuals then have the opportunity to watch their lives pass before them, ending with a decision of "whether to cross over or not." Those who do not choose to "cross that borderline," Dr. Aoki said, "are the ones who live to tell of their experience."

At no charge, Dr. Aoki offers support and therapy for individuals overwhelmed with the grief of death. "Grief is really a process of dying," he said. "What is a real tragedy is people who do not have someone to help them go through grief.

As for telling a person that he or she is going to die, Dr. Aoki firmly stated that "Nobody has any right to tell anybody they’re dying – you are not God." He went on to explain that "what you can say is that they are very seriously ill."

Adding that "hope is the cement that somehow sustains people," he said, "People who are dying know they are dying. The problem is to help them to state what they already know."